Happiness is all that matters

Its uncharacteristic for me to hate, but sometimes I am engaged in a fleeting moment of the emotion, catalysed by thoughts of a painful moment in my life. And then the  time comes when I realize that I’m not such a person, to hold so much ill-feelings towards a person that I actually hate them. I’m just waiting for myself to be completely free of that attachment. Things happened for a reason. “Every person that comes into our lives come for a reason, some come to learn and others come to teach”. I have experienced both, and a colossal change occurred in my life post-departure. 

 In the weeks following the conclusion of what was, I thought I would never get through this. The vacuum that existed in my life seemed bottomless and days seemed gloomy, despite the sunshine. But now, I do believe that our lives have gone on, just as normal. I am content and look forward to what lies ahead. Life sometimes comes to a pause, its up to us to resume the journey. We heading in different directions, and I no longer will question what could have been. All that matters is that we happy.

 I have formulated goals for my future, and will strive hard to work towards achieving it. Its been said that one of the best gifts to a person, is dua for them without them knowing. And that’s what I give of myself, dua and best wishes. And forgiveness of course…sometimes we don’t realize our mistakes and never will, until someone points it out to us. However, its best that I leave things as they are. Hold no grudges, and walk on in life. 

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To the one I care about, but know I should not. You came into my life uninvited. There were times when I hated you being there. An obligation I had to fulfill, until the time passed and came to a halt. Sleepless nights and endless thoughts. Prayers and confusion. Why did you come, when you didn’t really care? Why the pretences and the wasted time…why did you bother? Surreptitiously you made your way into my life, then walked away when I felt something was there. You were cold and cowardly. I expected more from you, but you left me with nothing more than disappointment. A gap that I had to try and cover up. For all your words, which I now deem false, you cared nothing when I needed someone most. No words of comfort, no prayer though small. I kept waiting in the hope you would turn up. But all you gave me were signs of your time carelessly spent. Words of hurt, unconsciously said. The implications were all too clear. You wanted to get something across. For now satisfaction can be yours. I get it all too clearly. For the very reason I never let anyone in, for all the fear…You proved me right. You are just like all the others. I now fall deeper into the abyss of darkness. I gave you credit most of the way and defended you in times of need. You gave up too easily. Ironically I lasted longer than I thought I would. Although I feel what logically I should not, Im glad things didn’t progress any further. I now see you for what you really are. I always knew, but like many of the unexplainable things in life, I opened the way and allowed you entrance into my life. I feel a loss, sometimes regret. But then I wonder, why me? I shall not grant myself permission to feel regret for Im not the one who did any wrong, who hurt and caused further mistrust. Carry on enjoying your life, but remember who you are. Your actions will have consequences. Remember your status in the eyes of the One most Great. Your knowledge, you supposed to spread. You are supposed to be the one to spread light, inspire and bring people closer to Him, but what have you done? Forgive me if I am misjudging, perhaps if I knew you longer I would have known otherwise. Unlike you, although we no longer share a part of each others life. I still care. And in my heart I pray for you more often than you may know. I have faith in the One most High, and still wish and hope for you the best in life. Even though we no longer have contact, no matter what you do, there is a person out there that believes in you and one that knows through prayer, you will be the person she thought you could be…

Maa

The lyrics of this song are indeed very emotional and my favourite song from the movie (Taare Zameen Par). Although it may not seem that powerful in isolation, when listening to it along with the visuals in the movie, the essence of it is very touching.

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Confronting my feelings

Confronting your past and your emotions can prove to be a difficult task. It is said that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I have never experienced love and have no regrets. If at certain times in my life, I had an emotional attachment to someone it was immature, temporary and futile. Every saga was tainted with betrayal, uncertainty, insecurity and ultimately perennial malaise.

Numerous betrayals have led to me losing faith in guys and in relationships. Not just of those which have included me, but of many others that I have witnessed. It is unfair of me to base my future decisions on actions and events that have occurred in my past. Yet, this deep-rooted knowledge of the probability of what will occur drives me to refuse any relationship or the mere thought of one. Coupled with this are other present aspects of my life, the greatest emphasis being on my studies.

Life-long promises are conceived and then they collapse in seconds. Invisible shards of glass pierce your delicate heart, leaving it damaged. Thinking back on the past, my anger and hurt has reduced me to feeling numb. The only healer is time. And depending on the extent of your feelings, the healing period varies considerably.

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 I do not know how to dispel these feelings of doubt, nor know how to trust again. Should I prepare myself to become inured to pain (in an attempt to minimise the inevitable) or have hope that the future will hold greater things for me? The only ray of hope in my life is to pray and have faith. Pray and request that I will be blessed with one of the few who are sincere, trustworthy, honest, faithful and hold women in high regard. An impossible combination it seems. For as time slips by, our moral values decline and we are gradually losing the gems of our society, both the male and female youth.

The subject of relationships is complex and intricate, a subject which I would prefer not to confront. However, after last night I decided that its high time I address these issues. Hopefully by addressing my feelings and insecurities, I will gain from this attempt.

The childhood years gone by

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He sat on the floor and retrieved his colouring book and newly acquired set of stationery. The little case contained a kaleidoscope of colours, offered in a variety of options. Pencil colours, paint, crayons and markers…It was his second week of preschool and the commencement of a new life. A prelude to the next twelve years of his schooling career. My little cousin was engrossed in a world of his own, where the picture that he coloured was the most important thing for him. I looked at his childlike innocence, his guise angelic. It was the year 1992 when I when I was assumed the same role, as a five year old preschooler…My memories are still vivid and I can recall numerous incidents which occurred during that year. The daily routine, breaks, story time and nap time…The elation of knowing that your painting was worthy enough of the ‘wall’, for everyone to see (not forgetting the very scratchy autograph at one corner of your masterpiece). And who can forget art and baking classes? Creating sculptures from limited, yet colourful fragments of clay and making a variety of odd-shaped edibles during baking class. The one which I can distinctly recall is the mouse, which had icing between its body, and was composed of Marie biscuits, liquorice that substituted for a tail and whiskers and a common sweet for eyes. In retrospect, I have to conclude that the combination of ingredients sounds rather unappealing. Kids tend to eat queer things

The years seem to have passed by in a flash. From grade school, to high school and now to university. We are progressing from one stage of our lives to the next, leaving behind all those wonderful years of pleasure, innocence and freedom. We only have our beautiful, wonderful and fun memories to accompany us into our future.

It’s not as if the future won’t offer us events which will become precious memories. There are now other stages which we will move on to, such as marriage and the birth of your first child for example. However, we will be never be able to experience those blissful years of freedom bereft of any hefty responsibilities, which only intensify and grow with age. Childhood has been one of the greatest gifts we could experience. Possibly some of the best years of our lives…

We are all the same…

I have just been reading some random blogs that I came across. I am not usually an emotional person, but for some unexplainable reason (could be to do with the music that Im listening to) I was reduced to tears. Its the beauty that I found in a post written by a woman who is preparing for Christmas. The happiness and excitement that she is feeling and the anticipation of being with her family on that day. Deep down we are all the same, irrespective of what we look like or which part of the world we originate from. Its touching to see that there are still people out there who knows the importance and value of family.

Another post of hers was with regards to renovations that they are doing to a bathroom in their house.The renovations were supposed to be done for her mother, all according to what she liked. Unfortunately she passed away before it was completed and her family lost interest to do it, since she wouldnt be there to appreciate it. Eventually, it got done, but one questions whats the use of it since she is no longer in the world to see it?

Makes me think of my aunt who has passed away three years ago. I find it hard to believe that she has left this world. And as I write this, I miss her so much! Life has changed drastically for her family. My uncle is now married for the second time since her death. I pray that this time, his wife brings immense happiness to their home and make them feel like a family once again. Its disheartening when I think of my cousins. There are times when I feel as if they have no one in this world…as much as I try, circumstances make it difficult for us to be with them. My prayers are always with them…I end this post on a melancholy note and will now try to get some sleep.

The Cover up

There are times when I want to scream, cry and slip into a dark cave, isolated from the rest of the world. But instead, my screams are replaced by a smile, hearty laugh and I give off a picture to the world of someone who is at peace and is content. The pressure builds inside me and I fear that it will all be released at an inappropriate time. I understand too much, but don’t know what conclusion to come to, who to support. Can I continue to hold the flag that represents neutral’ity’?

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