Heartbreak Memoirs- Part 1

This is not intended to ever reach you. Rather, it is an attempt to touch deep within my soul and say the things I never dared to say. There are times when I wish you were back in my life and others when I am happy with the way life played out.

Its been a rough journey. Months of pain, anger, hurt and confusion. You will never realise the extent of the damage you caused through a seemingly harmless fabrication. Perennial rivers of tears, which have lapsed over a year now. It’s hard to believe that the short time I spent with you had such a significant impact on my life. 

I thought I loved you, then I thought I was mistaken, yet in the end I know that it was true. I’ve never loved before and despite the circumstances and stormy seas we had to sail, I really did give a part of my heart to you. I wish I could have it back, I really do. I’ve tried hard to move on, to put the past behind me and totally let go of you, but I can’t. Its involuntary, but there is always a part of you that is with me.

No day or night passes without you in my thoughts. I wish it would end. Its like a haunting. Everywhere I go and in the things that I do, I think of you. I never knew what was love, but now I do. I never knew what was heartbreak, but now I feel it through. 

Contrary to what the world says, I would rather not have loved and been loved. The pain which followed is indescribable. My heart is hollow, overshadowed by melancholy. There’s no arguing that you have changed my life. For the better or for worse? Only time will tell.

I wonder what your life is like now. if you are ok? I wonder if you ever think of me. Or perhaps I was just someone of insignificance passing through your life. I wonder why you came and why things progressed to such a stage. 

I learnt a lot of things about myself, but unfortunately our story did not end as I had anticipated. I feel like such a loser, a weakling for feeling the way that I do. I always thought I would be stronger. Every time I thought that I moved on, another emotional roadblock would miraculously appear out of nowhere. I seem to be connected to you with invisible strings. 

You have no idea how difficult this is for me. I never wish this on anyone. I am helpless. I pray, I talk and I write in the hope that I will finally move on. Its been way too long. 

I wish I knew how to end this. I wish I knew which path to take. I can’t find words of comfort, I can’t fill the vacuum that exists inside me. Maybe, I wish that you never came. 

Then I wouldn’t have to feel this way.

I wouldn’t have to fight this never-ending battle.

I wish that it would be over, but when?

I wish I knew. 

I really do”.

(Excerpts from TJ-Volume 2)

Heartbreak Memoirs- Part 2

I walk alone. All there, yet lost in a world I wish I were not a part of. You are everywhere and I can’t help but look for you. The familiar faces that carry a part of you. I question life. Why did it have to be you? I try to escape, but I’m surrounded by a myriad of memories. How did my life come to this? When will I win my battle? When will it end?!

Its days like today that I miss you so much. The emptiness widens, my pain deepens. I am helpless, knowing that it’s just not right. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. My tears are fresh. They flow freely. I cannot hold back. I am stuck in my past, in dreams of a future which failed to materialise. 

I feel like being alone in a place that I will be able to let go of it all. To leave it behind. To leave you behind. I’m breaking down inside. I wish you knew. My head in my hands, my trembling body, my broken heart. An ocean of emotions. 

I feel so alone, wishing that my prayers will be answered. But it feels so far, impossible and realistic. No one knows the pain I feel, the way I feel. 

I cry, I pray, I hope.

The light fades and there’s only silence. The silence disturbed by my tears.

Will you ever go?

Will the right one ever come?

I dream, I pray, I hope.

From the depths of my heart I pray for your ultimate happiness. 

I pray for strength…

To move forward.

To say goodbye.

To live a life without you.

I must go.

To pray, to hope, to dream…”

(Excerpts from TJ- Volume 2)

Killa is a legend! I don’t think there’s anyone that can outdo the guy. (Did I just update a status on by blog?…Blame it on the fast). I’ve never read anyone else’s blog that even comes one level higher than his. Its the epitome of humour. This guy has got style and he just knows how to get it right. 

I have some wandering thoughts regarding marriage proposals. Will do a post as soon as I have some time. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. I have a “zikr” function to attend, post-taraweeh. Since Ramadhan has started, I have to sleep around 10, but obviously thats not happening tonight. I can’t believe that today is the tenth fast already. The days have passed in the blink of an eye. But I’m enjoying it, Alhamdulillah. Its been one of the best so far.

A strange encounter

We were once two people traversing on a journey far apart. In a twist of fate, our paths crossed. From being acquaintances, we became best friends. You were my support, and I was yours. My confidant, my inspiration, my teacher, my guide. My world became bigger and you let me travel with you through yours. We faced hurdles and obstacles together. Through difficult times, we stood side by side.

You taught me how to love. But unfortunately, from love came pain. We lost each other somewhere along the way. We misunderstood. We shared our dreams, our lives, our pasts and the future. You occupied a place in my heart that no one else did. What we had was beautiful and unique. I lived in a fairytale world, and always imagined a happily-ever-after.

But life we lived, and moved on. There are many questions which will forever remained unanswered. The most difficult part is realizing and admitting to myself when I was wrong. I was a part of it, but so were you. I gave you a part of my heart…Fortunately, I have learnt to forgive. Both you, and myself.  

Our lives were intertwined. You became a part of my life. The chapters were written, and will forever remain unchanged. We now live in two different worlds, and bereft of what we once shared, we meet again as strangers…

“Gautraining” on a blue Monday

Yesterday was a chilly, but beautifully, blue Monday. The day we decided to take our first trip on the Gautrain, which has been in operation for the last few months. Myself, and 15 other family members met up at the Sandton station. It was the end of the long weekend and many people seemed to be travelling to and from the O.R Tambo International Airport. There were many others, like us who just wanted to experience the Gautrain journey. The atmosphere was exciting, with a bustling crowd. Families and friends chatted jovially, despite the long queues and seemed to be enjoying the atmosphere.   

We took a trip to the Rhodesfield station, which is a stones throw from the airport. You have to pay an initial fee of R10 for a Gautrain Gold Card. Thereafter whenever you purchase tickets, your balance will be loaded onto your card. A round trip cost us a total of R54, which was fairly reasonable.

We took the escalators down to platform C.  I didn’t expect it to go so far down, but it made for quite an interesting photo. The train arrives every 12 minutes, so we didn’t have to wait too long. And besides that, when you have good company time always passes easily. I loved the exhilarating sound as the train arrived and the look of all the excited faces, obvious first-time passengers.

The train came to a halt and the doors slid opened. Everyone waited patiently for the other passengers to alight from their coaches. We then made our way onto the train, occupying the first and part of the second coaches. The seating was very comfortable and spacious. The interiors are aesthetically pleasing and luxurious. The ride was really quick and in the next few minutes we were already at the next station. We took the escalator down, swiped our cards twice and made our way onto the opposite end of the tracks. In less than five minutes the train arrived and we were on our way back to Sandton.

It was fun and memorable. What added to the experience was having such wonderful company. I’ve never been on a public train in South Africa. I was fortunate that my first-ever train ride was taken aboard the Gautrain. I’m so proud to be a part of this country. It is such a huge achievement. One, which many of us thought would never be possible. Well done to SA! 🙂

We spent the rest of the afternoon at Sandton City. Although I’m now too lazy to write there is one thing more worth mentioning. Lunch at Schlotzskys! It’s the first time I tried their food. Something, so different from the normal food outlets.  A round sandwich, made of sour dough, filled generously with chicken, salami, lettuce, cheese…and I have no idea what else. Yummy! Definitely worth a visit.

Honestly!

I see a side of me I never saw before. Blunt honesty, take it or leave it. Its true that pain makes you stronger, and unfortunately it has made me harder. Until last year, I would never be able to say no. I was never able to be truly honest, just “in case” I might hurt someone’s feelings. But can you live your whole life going along to what everyone else says and doing things on their terms? No, you come to a point in your life where you realise that it is imperative that you find a balance. I will never (or at least I try not to) deliberately hurt someone’s feelings, but there are times when you just get fed up. 

It seems that people always misunderstood me. During my school days and even among certain family members, I was thought to be arrogant and full of myself. Wrong. I was an introvert and shy, finding it more comfortable to keep to myself. Guys used to, and still do think that I like to play hard to get. But the truth is that I am just very honest and upfront. Why do people take things the wrong way? Why do they misconstrue the reality? 

I’ve realised it later than I should have, but you can’t please everyone. Neither can you have everyone like you. You win some and you lose some. Its all part of the deal of life. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t care completely (I still have a heart), but there’s only so much you can do…