A very good morning, as I welcome myself back to the blogging world, although just for a short while. I know that  I will whisk myself off to another world and it will be weeks, possibly months before I return again. Its a beautiful morning, awake since 3:10am. Enjoying the sound of heavy early morning rain, and the cool breeze that is accompanied by the dark (but enjoyable) weather today. Its nearly half of December, and this post is probably misplaced, and would have been better suited for the end of the month or early next January, but nothings lost. If the last few days of December are eventful enough, then I will be sure to update.

The year 2009 has been a rollercoaster ride. In some ways, it feels as if the year has ended too quickly, but when I think back to February in Cape Town, it seems like a loooong time. Perhaps it can be attributed to the many events that took place this year. Three deaths of very loved and dear ones, three weddings, four holidays, spending almost the first half of Ramadhan at hospital due to my father’s triple bypass, hosting both Eids at home, relationships, disappointments, writing assignments, published articles, singing at seven functions, exams (and a failure) and a rather interesting experience of being a judge at a school function. And of course one of the highlights of the year, getting my exam results. Alhamdulillah, everything I have achieved this year and throughout my life is thanks to my Creator. 

On the 2nd January, my grandfather passed away after spending 27 days in hospital. The year was off to a depressing start, losing someone so dear to us. Its been said that with time wounds are healed, but even though you become accustomed to life without that person the pain doesn’t go away. Months have passed, yet it seems my grandmother cannot deal with the pain of losing her beloved husband, after being married to him for 49 years. Just last week she said that her life is shattered and she doesn’t have anything to live for. My grandfather was a man in a million. How I wish that both my grandfathers were alive to experience one of the happiest moments in my life, to share my joy. When I woke up yesterday morning, my heart felt empty as I thought of them and wished I they were so I could share my good news with them. May Allah grant them Jannatul Firdous. The people we love who are no longer here will always be in our hearts.

The wedding fever of 2009. Had a wonderful time in Cape Town, when I attended the wedding of my mother’s cousin. About twenty of us attended the wedding and enjoyed a holiday at the same time. Absolutely beautiful memories! The next wedding took place in Rustenburg during July when I got to see my cousin/high school best friend get married. A freezing cold night if I recall correctly, but it was worth it. And finally the last wedding which took place 3 weeks ago, locally this time. The last of my cousins tied the knot, which now leaves me and my sister (who happens to be 5 years younger than I am).

Oh, the agony of being thrown with questions about when I’m settling down, that its time for me to move on with my life, have kids while I’m young and stop worrying about studying and a career. Seems people can never understand me. Allah has a plan for everyone and contrary to what people perceive of me, I’m not planning to be a spinster all my life. Its just that I set certain goals for myself and work towards achieving it, one of them being to complete my degree before deciding on marriage. I can go into a very lengthy discussion on this topic, but will save it for another post.

Looking back, I’ve realized that even with the losses and the pain, if you have faith you will pull through it. Allah is there for us, we have to turn to Him alone. And while it seems that problems are still apparent, it becomes easier to handle. Life is not perfect, I don’t think it was meant to be. Everywhere you look people are surrounded by difficulties on different levels. It’s the way you deal with the problems and the issues in your life that matters. You have to be optimistic about life, be positive and have hope. I know it’s a cliché, but through experience I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. People enter and leave our lives for a reason. We learn from our experiences, and it makes us stronger individuals. The most important thing is to have faith and put your trust in Allah. When He is there with you then you have nothing to fear. You need to find your comfort in His remembrance. Life doesn’t become perfect, but you have peace of mind, contentment of the heart and an inner peace.

I hope that everyone enjoys the last few days of 2009. I will be back next year, Inshallah☺

Life is not without its moments of darkness, when it seems the sun will never shine again, when life seems empty and you are lost, in search of the unknown, cloaked in malaise. But with faith, its all healed. The pieces fall into place, locked with each other, the integrated bits all make sense. The broken pieces, once far apart come together and form a masterpiece, the completion of a bigger picture.

For the past few weeks I have learnt to curb my ever-so-often urge to live online, in a different world, one which I slowly want to move away from. I’m now more reticent about sharing every personal detail of my life with this cyber world. I now record my innermost thoughts in my red faux leather bound journal, spending nights writing on real paper, with an actual pen, making errors along the way with no backspace key…it feels great, the authenticity returning to my life, it feels real and oh so beautiful. I missed that feeling. I have a profound love for blank journals, oceans of emptiness waiting to be filled with the moments, memories, tears and happiness, the emotions of my life.

Years of writing in a journal was replaced by my keyboard and everything was posted for the world to share. I’ve made the choice to move away, in search of a better quality of life. I’m trying hard to find a balance. I can never leave this cyber world totally, for there are many advantages to it. However, after introspection I know its best for me to draw the line. I’m the only one to blame for allowing this “other” world to have flooded my life, until I felt myself drowning in it. Fortunately, I was saved before it was too late. I now breathe with ease.

 I  sit on higher land, a safer place and watch the ocean from a distance. The birds swooping high above, wispy clouds painted across the sky. The ocean breeze hugs me, as tendrils of my hair dance graciously upon the touch of the balmy breeze. I sit in solitude, in a world that belongs to me. The waves crash slowly in the distance, the azure waters a spectacle to my eyes. The sun moves slowly, the sky painted the colours of love and serenity. My heart skips a beat, as I think of Him. The beauteous sight, I wish I could hold on to forever. I have reached a state of an inner peace. I’m happy being right here…

 I lost myself for a while, but my storm has dissipated. I am tired of looking back. My life changed significantly today, I have found what it is I was looking for. No doubt, my prayers have been answered. As I left in the darkness, turned back and waved, saying goodbye to someone I so dearly love, the answers came to me. I have found my place, where I belong. The conversations I had today, the realisations, a new hope was born. All I need are those special people in my life, a never-ending love, my faith and my will to look forward. I have fallen in love with life, and what makes it greater is having Him on my side, a hope that this will only grow stronger with time. Moving forward a step at a time, never give up even during the darkest of days. The light has entered my life once again.

Its a comforting cold.

The biting wind welcomed graciously.

I sit upon my grassy hill, 

My thoughts floating freely. 

I think of Him, my everything.

They grey mass gives way

And Im cloaked in His warmth.

In everything I do,

Everything I see and feel.

He is there.

My love for Him so great.

The feelings so hard to describe.

There will never be words sufficient

To express these emotions.

A love so clandestine,

Known only to my heart.

His power unsurpassed,

His greatness so vast.

I ponder on life.

And then I see,

In the clouds,

The trees,

Mountains,

Oceans,

Sunsets…

Its beyond me.

I feel His presence everywhere.

I wake up for Him.

I live my days,

With Him on my mind,

In my heart.

When worries enter,

When days are gloomy,

My heart unsettled.

Me weakness is alive.

How can I forget?

I have Him, my greatest comfort,

My life.

In patience I wait,

For the day we meet.

My hopes high, praying for the best.

For this life,

Is but temporary chapters.

A fraction of my time.

I strive for perfecting my life.

Doing the best that I can,

In His path.

For today, and my life that follows,

There is another world I await.

For now, and always,

It should be Him

It will be Him.

My greatest love.

14:31pm

31-10-2009

Its uncharacteristic for me to hate, but sometimes I am engaged in a fleeting moment of the emotion, catalysed by thoughts of a painful moment in my life. And then the  time comes when I realize that I’m not such a person, to hold so much ill-feelings towards a person that I actually hate them. I’m just waiting for myself to be completely free of that attachment. Things happened for a reason. “Every person that comes into our lives come for a reason, some come to learn and others come to teach”. I have experienced both, and a colossal change occurred in my life post-departure. 

 In the weeks following the conclusion of what was, I thought I would never get through this. The vacuum that existed in my life seemed bottomless and days seemed gloomy, despite the sunshine. But now, I do believe that our lives have gone on, just as normal. I am content and look forward to what lies ahead. Life sometimes comes to a pause, its up to us to resume the journey. We heading in different directions, and I no longer will question what could have been. All that matters is that we happy.

 I have formulated goals for my future, and will strive hard to work towards achieving it. Its been said that one of the best gifts to a person, is dua for them without them knowing. And that’s what I give of myself, dua and best wishes. And forgiveness of course…sometimes we don’t realize our mistakes and never will, until someone points it out to us. However, its best that I leave things as they are. Hold no grudges, and walk on in life. 

I fell in love today, in love with life and all the opportunities that awaits me. Im suspended in dreamy clouds of happiness. I forgot what it was like to be out with such great, wonderful people, surrounded by the beauty of Allah. His handiwork and miracles visible in everything that you look at. It was one of those life-changing days. A day when life is turned up a few notches. New relationships are carved, old relationships turned stronger and love grows deeper with every step. Today I looked forward, not back, not at the past. There are some things which will always be there no matter how hard I try to let it go, but with time I’m praying it will dissipate, become a part of what once was and reside in the realm of a time gone by. Each day makes you stronger, each sunrise a dream waiting to be realized. I’m no longer holding back or holding on. Life awaits me…

He rang my doorbell, and greeted me pleasantly. In the coolness of the night, he strode towards me, singing into the darkness. The parcel was delivered and he turned his back towards me. His large frame slowly becoming smaller as he walked off into the distance. He exuded a peace, a happiness. He was content with life and with himself. It was his smile that made my night…his personality, a breath of fresh air into my life. Its the small things that count in life, the people like him. The ones that unknowingly bring a glow to your heart and a smile to your face.

I’m at the point in my life where I realize that life is better off the way it is. People enter and leave our lives for a reason, we learn, we grow, we change. Theres so much I look back upon, wondering why. I will never know the answers, and maybe I’m not supposed to delve so deep into it. You trust, you love, you allow yourself to let go, open up to new opportunities in life. You hope, you dream. And sometimes you think that your dreams have come true. You believe that you find perfection, but fail to realize the obvious. I’ve learnt that Mr.Perfect is not always Mr.Right. 

I’ve realized that once you hurt someone, it will take years to trust again. Love can suddenly become hate. The damage that you do is irreversible. When the heart has been pierced, then life changes, in ways you cannot explain. A new map is drawn, a new path is followed…as far away from the cause as possible. You become harder on the outside, thinking that no one and nothing can affect you. You become stronger, less gullable and re-enforce the boundaries surrounding you, making it more difficult to get access to you. You learn to live life for yourself.

The events that have taken place in my life have taught me who are the important individuals in my life, the ones who care and who will stand by my side. If people truly love you they will do everything in their power to make sure that your happiness is a priority. They will not create lies involving you, they will not defame you. They will be the person you believed that they were. They will not run towards something that suddenly seems better, giving them more status in life, someone who appears more beautiful, or wealthier.  

Promises mean nothing no more. Feelings can change in moments. Life can change in the blink of an eye. I’m the only one that can make my life meaningful, looking past everything. Looking towards the future, and never losing faith. I’ve learnt to stop being so foolish and to stop trusting so easily. The people you cross paths with in this journey, change you and eventually you become the way you are because of the various chapters that occur in your life. Life is uncertain, love is uncertain. The only thing which is certain is my inevitable, eternal, afterlife. I live for that, and for the people in my life who make living worthwhile.

I love rain, but when it goes on for too long and the sun fails to make its appearance, then it can be downright depressing. Or maybe its just that too much is going on right now. It seems that stress is contagious, and I have definitely caught the bug. I’ve been thinking a lot about granddad. Two days ago I had to deal with some admin work, which involved faxing his death certificate. Holding that document was more concrete evidence of his death, which left me feeling hollow and melancholic. The only cure, people say is time. Tomorrow is going to be one month since his death. It feels like a lifetime, and yet it feels like just yesterday. Is he really gone? I keep asking myself that question. Images of him are constantly flashing through my head. Fortunately though, its of the good times. I haven’t cried much, except for the weekend after his mayyit and about two times in the last month. I want to cry, but I feel so numb and hard inside. Maybe it’s a good thing. I keep wondering if its going to suddenly hit me, and how will I be able to deal with it. I’ve been so preoccupied since his death, that I haven’t had much time to sit and actually reflect on the harsh reality. Life has changed in so many ways…I hope that we will be able to recover our happiness, although he has left us. I guess it would be a good idea to take each day as it comes and not envisage a gloomy future, but rather look forward to good things. As the saying goes “Change is the only constant”. We have to embrace change and make the most of what we have, and in this case ‘who’ we have in our lives.

My usual calm being was infuriated by a guy who I shall call “II”- Incompetent Imbecile (I quote from the 1994 movie, Richie Rich. One of my favourites back then.” This is a cappuccino. I asked for a DECAF CAFFE LATTE, you incompetent imbecile!”). I’m working on an article and use Facebook as a tool to get in contact with people and get their opinion on various subjects. I would have thought unfortunate, but perhaps fortunate would be a better word to describe that I came across such a guy. An eye opener that such guys aren’t only talked about, but really do exist! “II” gave his opinion, with insistence that I agree to what he says. In response to his first message I said that I ‘understand’ what he means (but I obviously see two sides to a story, the negatives and the positives). He responses were brusque and holds no weight with me…

II: Undrstand.ing an agreen wid wme is 2 dif tings madam

Me: One can understand but not necessarily agree. Of what importance is the differentiation, in relevance to my reply?

II: Do you agree ? Or do u udrstand,tink b4 u answr!!

Me: Well, open minded people can listen to what other people say and understand their opinions. In life, you don’t have to agree with everything other people say. So u are entitled to your opinion. If we all agreed on every subject, we would be a homogeneous bunch of uninteresting people. There would be no reason to seek out different people, getting their perception on life. And yes, I always think before I answer. Do u always answer questions, with the expectation that people should agree with your opinion? I still fail the to see the significance of the obvious importance u place on me understanding what u say, but not agreeing.

II: Well madaam so be it,i said wat is rite.an it was rite.end of story

Aah…this last sentence gives clear evidence to his ignorance. I have heard of such people…they are highly educated when it comes to Islamic knowledge and think that that their opinions reign supreme. So what if they have Islamic knowledge? Its of no value if they don’t know how to respect other people and respect their opinions. Don’t get me wrong there are many people out there who are humble, despite their high level of education, and are the type that we can admire, but then there are these, the “II” type.

What’s the use of open dialogue, when the one party believes that only they are right?! What’s the hype about me understanding his opinion, but not agreeing? If someone explains something to me with credible reasons, I may get a clearer picture of what they saying and understand why they saying what they do. However, it doesn’t mean that I should throw my opinions aside and suddenly agree with them. I am my own person and can think what I want to. “II” is entitled to his own opinion, but he has no right to impose his beliefs on me, or anyone else for that matter.

I have a strong dislike for such actions, when people are so close-minded…I have to agree with Sandy, “There is no way to change a close-minded person — that is, unless you have the patience of a saint to actually try and change them…not worth it though”.

I absolutely love the early mornings, and today was no different. I sat in the dining room, dipping my homemade rusk into my daily after-Fajr morning cup of coffee. I sat in solitude and looked at the sky, embracing a new day. What I would have loved at that moment was to grab my jacket and take a drive to the BP garage. Im told that the Wimpy is open 24/7. It would have been just great if I could get out, order a coffee, get lost in the music of the early morning and watch the sunrise…and so my Facebook status followed, “T thinks it would be wonderful to go out for an early morning cup of coffee , find the perfect spot and watch the sunrise…if only…”

Not much later it was followed by two comments “There are no if onlys.. just go out and do it…..carpe diem……” and from a good Facebook friend “Rumi once said to not get lost in the “what ifs.” If we dwell on “if only” too much, we’ll miss the beauty of the moment. Embrace each moment and cherish it will all of your Being. Wonderful things are ahead, insha’Allah”.

Those words are very wise and apt. We will lose out on too much in life should we live on an “if only” basis. Unfortunately living in the country that we do, there are times when we have to curb our desires. The crime stats are unfortunate and I obviously don’t blame my parents for their decisions, as what they do is in my best interest. But I also wonder…is it really fair for me to blame anyone or anything? Each individual has the power to change things and make things happen for them. If you don’t do anything for yourself, no one is going to do it for you.

As for the next time, I want to go an an early morning adventure, I think some really good company would do:) Any takers?

While I’m on the subject of “if”, that reminds me about something I wrote in my journal a few years back. Well it was written due to other circumstances, but here it is anyway:

13-09-04 …22:14 (No, its not insane! I record the time of entry as well)

“Life is not about ifs. We are living a reality, and when someone has something to say or they feel something for someone then they should express themselves before it is too late. Life waits for no one…don’t leave words unsaid, for a time when you will be drowning in regret. Don’t let that moment come when you will realise your mistakes and say ‘if only’. Live in the moment and make the most of it”. (An edited version)