Heartbeats

Two funerals took place, exactly one week apart. Last week Wednesday my granny, (in essence my step-granny, but saying it out aloud wouldn’t be very acceptable) and this week the death of my mother’s uncle. One thing, which is clearly evident, is that irrespective of your age, parents play one of the most pivotal roles in our lives. They are a special light that burns brightly in our lives, a light that we never want to be extinguished. Unfortunately, the cycle of life must continue and in the process it is inevitable that we will lose our beloved parents some day.
My mother’s uncle passed away from cancer. He suffered for many years and most people say that he is now in a better place. The ones who truly suffer I believe are those who are left behind in this world, the loved ones who mourn the loss of the deceased. Even though we may try to find contentment in the hope that the world they pass over to is a place of bliss and completely free on pain, it doesn’t lessen the pain and the heartache of the loss experienced.
Whether by choice or genetic make-up (I’m still not sure), it is unfortunate that I have inherited the “bottle-it-in” syndrome. No matter what affects me or how sad or depressed I may feel, I find it difficult to shed any tears. There is no doubt however, that deep within I am inflicted with pain. Pain, that I cannot show to the world. I know at times I appear to be very strong and perhaps hard-hearted, but in reality I feel exactly what everyone else does. The only difference is the way in which I deal with it. For anyone else who is also affected by the “bottle-it-in” syndrome, you would know that there are definitely more disadvantages than advantages in being this way. Pent up anger, frustration, sadness and other emotions can suddenly explode at the most inconvenient times, often triggered by something small and insignificant. What follows can be likened to a river bursting its banks with absolutely no control over the water.
Although I didn’t cry much yesterday, there was a short while when I felt extremely emotional and was deeply saddened. It is my aunty Rhugtaz’s father who passed away. She is one of the most special people in my life and takes the place of a sister in my mother’s life, a second mother to us. When my mother and aunty embraced each other, they lapsed into in moment of uncontrollable sobs. It was this that caused me to cry as well. Watching two people that I love with such intensity and just seeing them like that really made me feel emotional. I burst into tears and wished that there was something I could do, but at the same time knew that I was helpless.
What hurts more than anything else is seeing the people that you love in pain. Knowing that their happiness in not in your control. We can support them and love them endlessly, but it doesn’t change their circumstances. Right now I know that mummy is falling into a depression. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She feels the pain for her sister. And when I look at mummy, when I see her in that state my heart cries for her. Love is truly something special, an intangible bond that connects us in ways we cannot understand…my heart is crying for my loved ones. And I know that the only thing I can do is pray for them, support them and love them everyday, in every possible way.